Six days. And THEN he decides to call. When he's on the way home from a party...
Not only is that extremely inconsiderate that he called because he knows that I don't like to hear from him when he's like that, but he then proceed to tell me about everything. And of course, as always, don't have the strength to tell him that it hurts me when I hear all of that... But whatever. The other thing that bothered me about him calling-he knew exactly how long we hadn't talk. He knew down to the hour. So either he was trying to be mean, or he were just too rude to care enough to call me back, or text me back.
When he called back the next day, I strongly considered not answering, but, I'm also not strong enough to do that either...
After about forty-minutes of a normal "us" conversation, with the exception that it seemed a lot more formal than it should have been..., he also decides to drop what felt like a nuclear bomb on my life: the girl he liked a few months ago, who he swore you weren't ever going to have feelings for again, sits next to you in two of your classes. With every other guy who swore he wouldn't like a girl again, it wouldn't have been such a big deal to me. But. He had that tone in his voice. That edginess, like he was trying to hold your tongue so that he wouldn't say anything to upset me. It gave him away. That, and the other tone. The one that he used when he would talk sweet to me. The same one that he used that night that we talked about our futures, and about what our dreams and our biggest fears...
A long time ago, when I got hurt that first time, I promised myself that I would never open up to someone about those things with someone unless I knew that he loved me, or unless our relationship was very "serious". And I held very well to that promise. That is, until him. And now he's probably ruined me. Again. Honestly, I'm not sure if I can handle going through something like that for a second time, but I know it's coming...
What I'm trying to say is that, I wish I was everything that he wants in a girl. I wish that I was pretty enough for him. I wish that I could be the "total package" that he always talks about wanting. She's obviously more of that than I am... I guess that I wish I was more like her... </3
PS. The most bitter sweet part of this whole thing is that I figured out what number sixty-four is...
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Friday, August 12, 2011
Do I ♥
Four days.
It has been four days since we have had an actual conversation. One that would even slightly be considered speaking to each other...
I really don't understand how it got here so fast.
One moment, he was begging me to wake up in the morning so that we could talk. He wore "the" shirt that I got him, and said it was lucky. He was once again asking me about what I thought he should do about his life situations. He was, as usual, calling me to vent to because he claimed that I "always know how to help." We made plans for him to come here during the holidays. He was calling me yours. For the first time in forever. And now there's just nothing.
I had even figured out what I was going to get him as a Christmas/birthday present... It was something huge, too. We were going to go somewhere that he has always wanted to go, because he's such a big fan of them, but haven't been. Yet. Now it probably won't happen...
(Or maybe it will. I guess we'll have to see...)
And, also for the first time in forever, he broke a promise to me. Yes, it may have been a little one, but it was at a time when I really needed him to be there for me. I never imagined that he would be one of the people who would possibly walk out of my life. So, if he would, please let me know if that's his decision now...
I realize that this isn't exactly the best way to figure out what's going on, but it's pretty much the only way I've got...
If I did something wrong,
It has been four days since we have had an actual conversation. One that would even slightly be considered speaking to each other...
I really don't understand how it got here so fast.
One moment, he was begging me to wake up in the morning so that we could talk. He wore "the" shirt that I got him, and said it was lucky. He was once again asking me about what I thought he should do about his life situations. He was, as usual, calling me to vent to because he claimed that I "always know how to help." We made plans for him to come here during the holidays. He was calling me yours. For the first time in forever. And now there's just nothing.
I had even figured out what I was going to get him as a Christmas/birthday present... It was something huge, too. We were going to go somewhere that he has always wanted to go, because he's such a big fan of them, but haven't been. Yet. Now it probably won't happen...
(Or maybe it will. I guess we'll have to see...)
And, also for the first time in forever, he broke a promise to me. Yes, it may have been a little one, but it was at a time when I really needed him to be there for me. I never imagined that he would be one of the people who would possibly walk out of my life. So, if he would, please let me know if that's his decision now...
"Do I have your love?"
"Am I still enough?"
"Would you rather just turn away and leave me lonely?"
"Do I just need to give up and get on with my life?"
I realize that this isn't exactly the best way to figure out what's going on, but it's pretty much the only way I've got...
If I did something wrong,
I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you.
If I didn't do something that I should have,
I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you.
If I was annoying,
I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you.
If I wasn't as happy as I should be,
I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you.
If I said something that offended you,
I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you.
Just please, tell me what happened so that I can make things right...
PS. If he thinks that me trying to make things right won't help, then just tell me. I would so rather he be completely honest than to keep things, especially things like that, from me.
PPS. If nothing's wrong, then just remind me that he still cares. It doesn't have to be something big. I just want something so that I know all this time hasn't been a waste...
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Another Side of You
Here we sit.
Another night where one of us is busy, yet the other is willing to stay up all night just to be able to text for a while.
Unfortunately, it's also one of those nights when he's mad. And not like the "I'm-a-little-irritated" mad; this time it's the "you-better-stay-away-from-me-because-I'm-so-mad-that-I-will-probably-bite-you-and-I-really-don't-want-to-do-that-because-I'll-then-make-you-extremely-upset" type of mad. But. There's nothing I'd rather be doing than talking to him right now. The reason I chose that song for today is because it talks about how he loves his wife's flaws and how it makes him love her even more. I feel that exact way about him... Even when he's in a really bad mood, I can always find something about him that I love. I feel as though it helps me learn to know what "true love" is. ( Whether this is it or not, I still have yet to figure out. Hopefully, I'll figure it out soon so I can figure out what I need to do about the rest of my life...) He is, without a doubt, the only person that I can deal with constantly, and the only person who seems to care about me and my life even during the dull and mundane times. And for the record: Yes, we fight; actually, we fight a pretty good bit, and I'm not trying to make whatever this is look like it's perfect, because it's not; but even when we do fight or argue, he doesn't hold it against me. He has learned to give me a little space right after it, but he will always text me later that night to remind me that he's still there for me, and that he doesn't want whatever stupid thing we were arguing over to get in the way of what we have.
For some reason, I feel that there's something different about this.
Something that I've never had before, and that will hopefully change my life for the better.
And something that the people in MY life who are important to me (my parents, Ryan, and Hayden) will one day understand.
Another night where one of us is busy, yet the other is willing to stay up all night just to be able to text for a while.
Unfortunately, it's also one of those nights when he's mad. And not like the "I'm-a-little-irritated" mad; this time it's the "you-better-stay-away-from-me-because-I'm-so-mad-that-I-will-probably-bite-you-and-I-really-don't-want-to-do-that-because-I'll-then-make-you-extremely-upset" type of mad. But. There's nothing I'd rather be doing than talking to him right now. The reason I chose that song for today is because it talks about how he loves his wife's flaws and how it makes him love her even more. I feel that exact way about him... Even when he's in a really bad mood, I can always find something about him that I love. I feel as though it helps me learn to know what "true love" is. ( Whether this is it or not, I still have yet to figure out. Hopefully, I'll figure it out soon so I can figure out what I need to do about the rest of my life...) He is, without a doubt, the only person that I can deal with constantly, and the only person who seems to care about me and my life even during the dull and mundane times. And for the record: Yes, we fight; actually, we fight a pretty good bit, and I'm not trying to make whatever this is look like it's perfect, because it's not; but even when we do fight or argue, he doesn't hold it against me. He has learned to give me a little space right after it, but he will always text me later that night to remind me that he's still there for me, and that he doesn't want whatever stupid thing we were arguing over to get in the way of what we have.
For some reason, I feel that there's something different about this.
Something that I've never had before, and that will hopefully change my life for the better.
And something that the people in MY life who are important to me (my parents, Ryan, and Hayden) will one day understand.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Forever and Always.
"I. Want you forever.
Forever and always.
Through the good,
and the bad,
and the ugly.
We'll grow old together,
We'll grow old together,
Forever and always...
"I. Love You Forever.
Forever and Always.
Please just remember
that even if I'm not there,
I'll always love you forever,
Forever and always."
<3
-"Forever and Always" by Parachute
Even though we've had a rough couple of days because he's gone and we haven't been able to talk much, I just want him to know that there are so many things that remind me everyday that he's amazing, and that I'm extremely lucky to have him in my life, even if he's not exactly mine. I also hope that he knows that I want nothing but the very best for him in his life, and I am so thankful that he cares enough to ask me about what I think about his decisions. I will always support him, in whatever he decides to do, and whether it be through the good times, or the bad. I would rather go through a lot of bad times with him than go through only happy times with someone else.
By the way. I wish I could thank him so much for everything. Thank him for caring about my family, and about me, and for doing whatever he can to make sure that I have everything I need. Thank him for trying so hard to do everything he can for his future. But. Most of all. Thank him for being there for me when I need him. (I kept him past midnight tonight, even though he had to be up at five to go to work.)
"I love you forever. Forever and always." <3
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
The Story of Us...
As I was reading through some of my list, I realized that (unforunately) a lot of it gives off a "picture" that doesn't accurately portray our "relationship", if you will...
First of all. I have to mention that we aren't together. At all. He is not my boyfriend. We have never even talked about dating.
(For the sake of the story, I am going to call him "my sweetheart".)
It all started about three years ago... October of my sophomore year of high school. My best guy friend at the time was playing JV football, which, obviously, means that all of my friends and I had to go to every in town game to watch him play. For some odd reason, only three of us girls ended up at one particular game. Another odd thing about that night: it was about forty-five degrees out. (Where I live, it's a miracle to have the weather that cold in October. Most Christmases, it's about seventy or eigthy degrees.) That meant four layers of shirts, gloves, heavy jackets, and, our favorite, almost matching blankets that we had made together. After the tough game against our district rivals (who also happen to be one of the top ten football teams in the state), we went down onto the field to talk to our friend. After a few minutes, a random group of guys comes up to him and starts talking and joking and whatnot. He finally figured out that what they really wanted was for him to introduce all of us so he proceded to do that. One of those guys happened to the guy who is now my sweetheart.
That one night lead to him eating lunch with us, meeting up with us in between classes, and eventually, hanging out with us outside of school. Halloween came. With the many jokes and the loads of laughing that came about came the first of "our" problems... He liked my best friend. She didn't like him. He wasn't really upset about it or anything, but it created lots of tension between all the rest of us. Halloween left. The tension ended about a week or two after, but (I think) it was because we all found out that he would be moving away a few days after Christmas.
Once we all learned this, we decided to have a little going away party at my house for him. Afterwards, we were texting, and somehow (I'm really not sure why it happened), he ended up doing something to make me very upset with him. I was so upset with him that we didn't talk for almost a year, and once again, the only reason we did start talking again was only because of that same guy friend before. They ended up talking on facebook, and somehow I was brought up in their conversation. One thing lead to another and he ended up finding out that I was going to a town not too far from the place he was living for Spring Break. He texted me and apologized, and told me that he wanted to hang out when I went over that way. I agreed, but only on the condition that he had to meet me wherever I happened to be when he found time to go see me.
Almost exactly three months from that first text, he showed up at the baseball field where my brother was playing. After walking up to the field, he realized the "trouble" that could possibly insue from he being there. Not only were my parents there, but also two of my dad's best friends and their wives, who happen to be two of my mom's close friends, my brother's best friend (My brother and his best friend were born on the same day, at the same hospital, and have played football, baseball, paintball, and flag football together for about six or seven years now and they feel as though they have to do everything together, even being my little brothers...), and a bunch of other people who are very important in my and my family's lives. After a crazy baseball game and dinner with the team to celebrate that night's victory, we finally returned to the place that I was staying. (There was a shopping complex along with the condo my family was staying in.)
We decided that a little time by ourselves to talk and figure things out was just what we needed. Hours went by. And neither of us even noticed that it was past my curfew. He finally checked his phone after a while, and he pretty much started freaking out. We went as fast as we could back to my room, and to my surprise, my parents were not upset at all. And, to both of our surprise, my parents seemed to actually like him. He left soon after he dropped me off at my room, but the moment that he got into his car, he texted me, and we ended up texting the whole time that he was driving home.
After that weekend, we kind of stopped talking to each other again. This time it wasn't because of us being mad at each other, it was just more of a "growing apart" thing.
October of that year, he started texting me again, thank goodness. And ever since then. We've been kind of together.
He is, without a doubt, one of the sweetest guys I have ever met. He cares about me so much and is (usually) extremly kind. I could not ask for a better person to be in my life as my best friend, and as my sweetheart.
First of all. I have to mention that we aren't together. At all. He is not my boyfriend. We have never even talked about dating.
(For the sake of the story, I am going to call him "my sweetheart".)
It all started about three years ago... October of my sophomore year of high school. My best guy friend at the time was playing JV football, which, obviously, means that all of my friends and I had to go to every in town game to watch him play. For some odd reason, only three of us girls ended up at one particular game. Another odd thing about that night: it was about forty-five degrees out. (Where I live, it's a miracle to have the weather that cold in October. Most Christmases, it's about seventy or eigthy degrees.) That meant four layers of shirts, gloves, heavy jackets, and, our favorite, almost matching blankets that we had made together. After the tough game against our district rivals (who also happen to be one of the top ten football teams in the state), we went down onto the field to talk to our friend. After a few minutes, a random group of guys comes up to him and starts talking and joking and whatnot. He finally figured out that what they really wanted was for him to introduce all of us so he proceded to do that. One of those guys happened to the guy who is now my sweetheart.
That one night lead to him eating lunch with us, meeting up with us in between classes, and eventually, hanging out with us outside of school. Halloween came. With the many jokes and the loads of laughing that came about came the first of "our" problems... He liked my best friend. She didn't like him. He wasn't really upset about it or anything, but it created lots of tension between all the rest of us. Halloween left. The tension ended about a week or two after, but (I think) it was because we all found out that he would be moving away a few days after Christmas.
Once we all learned this, we decided to have a little going away party at my house for him. Afterwards, we were texting, and somehow (I'm really not sure why it happened), he ended up doing something to make me very upset with him. I was so upset with him that we didn't talk for almost a year, and once again, the only reason we did start talking again was only because of that same guy friend before. They ended up talking on facebook, and somehow I was brought up in their conversation. One thing lead to another and he ended up finding out that I was going to a town not too far from the place he was living for Spring Break. He texted me and apologized, and told me that he wanted to hang out when I went over that way. I agreed, but only on the condition that he had to meet me wherever I happened to be when he found time to go see me.
Almost exactly three months from that first text, he showed up at the baseball field where my brother was playing. After walking up to the field, he realized the "trouble" that could possibly insue from he being there. Not only were my parents there, but also two of my dad's best friends and their wives, who happen to be two of my mom's close friends, my brother's best friend (My brother and his best friend were born on the same day, at the same hospital, and have played football, baseball, paintball, and flag football together for about six or seven years now and they feel as though they have to do everything together, even being my little brothers...), and a bunch of other people who are very important in my and my family's lives. After a crazy baseball game and dinner with the team to celebrate that night's victory, we finally returned to the place that I was staying. (There was a shopping complex along with the condo my family was staying in.)
We decided that a little time by ourselves to talk and figure things out was just what we needed. Hours went by. And neither of us even noticed that it was past my curfew. He finally checked his phone after a while, and he pretty much started freaking out. We went as fast as we could back to my room, and to my surprise, my parents were not upset at all. And, to both of our surprise, my parents seemed to actually like him. He left soon after he dropped me off at my room, but the moment that he got into his car, he texted me, and we ended up texting the whole time that he was driving home.
After that weekend, we kind of stopped talking to each other again. This time it wasn't because of us being mad at each other, it was just more of a "growing apart" thing.
October of that year, he started texting me again, thank goodness. And ever since then. We've been kind of together.
He is, without a doubt, one of the sweetest guys I have ever met. He cares about me so much and is (usually) extremly kind. I could not ask for a better person to be in my life as my best friend, and as my sweetheart.
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